Best of the Worst 2015

It's that time of the year--the season where we all gather around and wallow in the Interweb's swill of stupidity! Despite seeing the examples of dumb questions from 2008,2009, 2010 (in Parts I, II, and III), 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014, people simply do not learn.

The rules are the same as always: these are all real emails that TK really received from real people in the past year. Below, among all the shitty emails that TK has received, he has selected the douche de la douche, the crap de la crap. Other than redacting personal information, not a single thing about the email is changed or modified in any way. TK's comments and thoughts on the emails are highlighted in blue.

Onward!

*                        *                        *

You Are Not Going to be a K-Pop Star, Stop Fucking Asking

re: Please Help

Hello,

I'm 15 years old am thinking to go join the k-POp world after a graduate . I want to be a dancer and model. What company would I go for . I want a company that treats people well. Also I'm from Australia and am not Korean at all nor have any Korean background . I have green eyes and do not look Like a korean . Will that affect how I will do? Please help me . Is joining k-POp worth leaving my family and life behind?( my parents don't approve )

Is it worth being a model ? Can I be a model without wearing revealing clothes ? Do I have to speak Korean in order to be a be a k-pop idol?

I just want an answer via email. If I can get the answer faster that would be awesome.

ThankYou.

Yes, yes, "joining k-POp" is totally worth leaving behind everything you have ever known. Because all the best Korean talent management companies will line up for you, and you can pick and choose the best one among them. 

re:  KPOP

Dear Korean,

So I am well aware that these are commonly asked questions, but I would like to clarify on my own.

I am a huge KPOP fan, and hoping (maybe) to become a KPOP star in the future.

I am Canadian/Russian/Jewish, and none asian blood, or at least as far as I know, and quite obviously not at all asian to the eye. I do not speak Korean, but I will be learning soon (like next year or something), but I am guessing that I will have a large accent seeing as this is not one of my well known/practiced languages. Will any of this matter, or affect becoming a KPOP star?

Also, I am slightly shy, though working on it, but I do feel better in a group, so what happens to become a solo or group act? How do you get into the KPOP music industry, or more specifically, what must you do to get noticed, get a manager, get a group, or whatever is required?

I’m guessing that I have to live in Korea, but what part? I know that right now living in South Korea isn’t the best, especially for someone of my background (I do not mean to be racist), so would North Korea be just as successful?

Now, I do plan on finishing school first, so I’ve still got to finish grade 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12, so I am guessing that things will change quite a bit by then. Are there any expectations? So, height, weight, language, body type, looks, teeth, and so on and so forth, and can girls be in the same group as guys, because I recall seeing that once, but very rarely. Basically, what are the expectations, procedures, scheduling, etc.

This one may appear to be strange, but makeup and hair-wse, what is required? Because I have naturally red-copper hair, and am not a fan of dying my hair, as well as makeup.

Now onto dancing and singing. I consider myself a good singer, and so has one of the best vocal teachers in Calgary, but, I do not do theory, learn piano (I quit a while back, and have forgotten everything I learnt) or anything of the sort. Is this something I need to know?

And dancing is not really a forté of mine. I want to learn, but free-styling is absolutely not something I can do well, but with a given dance, it takes me quite a while to learn, and I’m not that great in the end. I know KPOP really concentrates on it’s dancing as a factor of the performance, but if I can’t dance, does this impact me severely?

This is one of a few emails. I tend to forget details, so I will include others in a series of emails spread throughout the years.

Thank you either way,

[NAME REDACTED]

Definitely try making it as a K-pop star in North Korea. Seriously. You will be making history. Group act sounds good--"Gulag Girls" has a nice ring, doesn't it?

(More ridiculousness after the jump.)

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com. But no stupid questions please. TK may have to kill himself soon if this keeps up.

You Are Not Going to be a Doctor in Korea, Stop Fucking Asking

re: (no subject)

Dear Korean,

I was just wondering if Psychologists are in demand in Korea? If they are, are South Koreans open to accept non-Korean Psychologist? Hope you'll get to read this! I will be waiting for the answer! :)

Czar

Yes, Koreans looove sharing their innermost state of mind with someone who cannot speak their language.

I Am Not Giving You Money, Stop Fucking Asking

re: (no subject)

Hi my name is Eunice I'm a Nigerian and I'm 18years,I'm 6ft tall and very good at playing basketball I really want to further my education in Korea,but my parents can't afford the money can you help me?


Yes, TK certainly can help. As it happens, he is sitting on a pile of money that Kim Jong-Il stashed away before he died. You just need to make a small deposit of $5,000 to collect it...

And I Am DEFINITELY Not Doing This for You, Stop Fucking Asking

re:  Cultural Differences: Individuality

Hello!

My name is Jade and I am currently working on a project on cultural differences. I know that you are very busy but I hope you will be able to answer my question. In America and Canada, it is pushed on you that everyone is a unique snowflake and that we all have our place in this world. I was wondering if this was the same for eastern countries such as Korea. Are they more focused on the individual parts of a whole or the whole itself with less focus on the parts and in your own opinion, which do you feel is more important?

If you could, I would really like it if you could answer the question in a short video so that I could attach it to my project documentary but if that is not possible, I completely understand!

Thank you so much for your time,

Jade

It's bad enough that you are asking TK to do your homework. It's patently offensive when you have the gall to ask TK to make a video for you.

re: I want to get a band together from Seoul korea

Hi my name is [NAME REDACTED] and i want to join a Korean girl band, I have created 5 songs and i'm making a 6th song. i love to sing and dance. But i'm still in school in america, when i graduate i want the experience to sing with the korean girls. please help me get there. I also write books on my own but they have not been publish and i'm happy with my life. I'm a senior this year so please see what you can do.

Here is what I can do. Your brain-damaged email will be published on this blog. How does that sound?

re: hi. I am from Mongolia

Hello,

I am from Mongolia. I wanna ask something. I have a good idea for Korean comedy movie but i don`t know how to tell them my idea . If so please help me, how to connect to korean movie directors?

Sure, TK will open up his contact list to look up the phone numbers of Bong Joon-ho and Hong Sang-soo...

The Neverending Search for Korean Men is Never Ending

re:  Where to meet Korean American guys?

I've recently acquired a taste in Korean guys and was wondering if you knew where they hangout in the Bay Area in California?

I feel like they all travel in packs though unless they're more Americanized. Any advice?

Much appreciate (:

We are like fine wine who travel by the case. You could develop a taste in us, but you have to chase us down.

re: Hi

I like to know more about Korean gay boy sex I like there balls

Balls is definitely my favorite part about myself.

re: (no subject)

Gay bars in new York for Asians ??

Do you like balls?

re: BBWS want to know

안녕 하세요 

I have read some of your blog plus comments regarding various experiences some individuals have had in Korea which were uncomfortable where race and looks were involved. I'm curious about the kind of reception I might expect if I visited Korea as a big older woman white as alabaster. While I'm currently learning Korean I am only in possession of very limited conversational skills. What's the chance of getting myself an oppa of the older generation?

고맙습니다 

아 나

re:  Clarification on my question...

I am referring to opportunities of meeting older widowed Korean men and whether these types marry again and whether they might consider a white woman with the requisite vagina and large breasts. Reason for asking: a married male Korean friend seems to love referring fairly often to my large chest. Just curious.

Good lord. Just, no. This is not even funny. Just. No. 

(The same person emailed twice, back-to-back. The horror.)

The Creepy People

re:  I'm absolutely in love with you!

I'm Korean but I'v been to America three times and one time I went America with my family, second time I went there by camp, and the third time I stayed in America for years!

But it's enough about my self and I am absolutely love with America and America! I love it better than Korea! And Americans showed me love when I was in school so I want to show you that same love to you

Too bad that I am not in the school you are goimgㅠㅠ(sign of crying)

I really want visit America again but if you need someone to talk to or have questions, then you can email me an please send me a picture of yourself.

I do want visit a capital you are in so please tell me your address.

And of course I'm a boy

I really really want meet you

Tip. You can make friends by playing tag or by playing a game they are playing!

I hope I'm not too late for this email!

Please email me back

[email redacted]

. . . I'm flattered?

re: Sex culture in Korea

Please keep my information anonymous on your blog.

I applied to a teaching program in Korea and I'll be going to "teach" there, but my sole purpose is to have sex with as many Korean girls as I can (go ahead and judge me if you want, idc). I heard if you are American and good looking, it is easy to meet girls for flings. I heard that everyone in Korea is obsessed with sex, but its all "behind the scenes" and seldom publicly admitted. I do well here in the states, with women from all cultural backgrounds, but FOBS have always been "the unreachable fruit". What can I expect in my year in Korea (first time in Korea, as a korean-American. I speak fluent Korean btw).

I look forward to your blog.

Congratulations! You made it to the blog!

*                        *                        *

You made it all the down here! Alive! Wow! Let's stand tall, chin up, and stick our face out to take the last hit...

::DRUMROLL::The Worst AAK! Email of the 2015!!!::DRUMROLL::

re:  BBC - Urgent

Dear Mr Seong-Ha,

My name is Marco Silva and I am part of the team in charge of World Have Your Say – a discussion programme aired by the BBC World Service radio around the globe.

On today’s edition of the programme, which will go on air at 11pm KRW, we will be looking into the latest developments in North Korea. We would love to have you with us to provide us with some context on this subject.

Would you be available to join us at that time – ideally on a Skype line?

I look forward to hearing from you.

All best wishes,

Marco Leitao Silva
Broadcast Journalist, BBC World Service
Mobile: +44 (0) 78.236.97.873
Office: +44 (0) 20.361.43900
Twitter: @MarcoLSilva

The normal rule of this post is not to post personal information, but this is an exception. Mr. Silva, you are bad at your job. If you bothered to read the blog a bit more carefully, you would have known that TK only translates Mr. Joo Seong-ha's articles. By the way, the last name of the famed North Korean defector-turned-journalist is Joo; Seong-ha is his first name. But it's nice to know that BBC broadcasts its program on Korean won. TK thought it was only in pound sterling. 

So congratulations, Mr. Marco Silva--for your numerous examples of professional incompetence in such a short email, you win the worst email of 2015.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

Share this post