Build Your Own Burger

 That's right! It's B.Y.O.B time! But I'm not talking about just adding all kinds of bullshit toppings to an average patty. I'm talking about creating your own ground beef patty. All you need to accomplish this is a meat grinder, at least 2 different cuts of meat, and enough common sense to prevent you from sticking any body parts into the grinder. THAT'S IT!!!

I'm lucky enough to have a KitchenAid stand mixer. On a recent venture to Target, I saw that they had a sale on the meat grinder attachment. I had a few extra bucks on me from doing some "favors" for a few strangers, so I figured what the hell. My forearms weren't too sore to slice up some meat for the grinder.

Honestly, I don't know a whole lot about grinding meats. I feel I've learned enough from watching enough food tv to not screw this up too much. Here are a few keys that I stuck with when I got started:

1. There has to be fat. No fat = dry burger.
2. Grind the meat when it's cold.
3. Burger meat should be put through the grinder twice.

As far as I know, the chuck roast is the most common cut used for ground beef. With that said, there was no fucking way I was going to use it! So, I shopped around a bit decided on the two cuts pictured above.

To get started, I weighed out equal portions of each meat. Yes, I weigh things out. I'm a baker damn it! Once weighed, I cut the meat into roughly 1" cubes. Once all the meat was cut, I placed it in the freezer for about 30 minutes. I wasn't trying to freeze it, just cool it enough to firm it up a bit.

Once cooled, it was time to get down to business. I turned on the mixer, and to be honest, it's a cool sight to behold. You can look down the chamber of the grinder and see the spiral thing that forces the meat to the front of the grinder. You can see the small blade spinning right behind the opening grates. I started to feel like a child using a brand new toy for the first time.

As I started to grind the meat, a couple things became apparent. The first thing was the sound. As the meat started to go through, it sounded like something you would hear in a horror movie. It's a little hard to describe, but think about a scene where you see someone getting sliced up. Or better yet, that sound of zombies eating flesh. That what this sounds like!

The second thing that came to light is that this can be a messy job. I was standing directly in front of the grinder as I was doing this. I looked down and saw spatters of blood and small bits of beef on my shirt. Luckily I was wearing a shirt only suited for the house, so I wasn't mad.

When I was done grinding, I also noticed spatter on the surrounding counter area as well. So be prepared to do a fair amount of cleaning.

Here is what the meat looked like when finished:

I covered the meat and placed it in the fridge. Now, it was time for the cleaning.

For the longest time, I had heard that cleaning meat grinders could be a real bitch to do. I also heard that if you didn't clean them properly, you could get really sick and damn near kill someone next grind. I think that is probably the reason I waited so long to get one.

When I started to take the grinder apart, this is what I saw:

I've used the grinder a few times since this, and haven't seen it that bad since. I'm guessing I didn't cool down the beef as much as I should have that first go.

I used a chopstick to pick out that stuff way in the back and to get out the bits stuck in the holes in the exit part of the grinder.

Once all the last bits were removed, I washed it as well as I could by hand. Then, I placed all the parts in soapy water and let it sit there for about 15 minutes. You have to be careful with this stuff, ya know?

With the cleaning done, it was time to cook. I scaled my patties to 6 or 7 ounces. I can't quite remember. I seasoned them with kosher salt and black pepper. No fancy rubs here, I want to let the meat speak for itself.

When it is was done, this is what I was looking at:

The opening picture was the final shot. I really wanted to keep it simple. No ketchup or mustard, no cheese, and just a little mayo. The meat was the star, and let me tell you, it shined as bright as ever!

The flavor of this burger was wonderful! It was like taking a car and adding a couple hundred more horse power to it. Each bite I wanted to slowly savor, all the while thinking "I have to do this again!".

By the time I finished the burger, I felt like I had eaten my last meal before my execution. I was ready to ride the lighting!

As soon as I came down from my burger high, I started thinking about what combinations of meat I could use. Then I remembered a restaurant I saw that has a burger that's half beef/half bacon. I still had rib eye and bottom round leftover, and there was bacon in the fridge. I had to try it.

I ended up using about 4 ounces of rib eye, 1 ounce of bottom round and 4 ounces of bacon.

After the grind, it looked like this:

Yeah, there's a lot of fat in this!

The restaurant I saw make this is a place called Slater's 50/50. When they were preparing the burger, they mentioned that because of the pork, you have to cook the burger all the way through. It makes sense to me, so that's what I did.

I prepped my burger the same way as the first, except I didn't add any salt on top. Just pepper. I figured the bacon would bring enough salt to the mix.

When I took a bite, I thought I was going to shoot a load in my pants. The flavor was...incredible. It was intense, rich, juicy, and....out of this fucking world! I might have even shed a tear with this one. It was that good! Sure, my heart was hurting a little and my left arm went numb for a minute, but it was so worth it! This is where food stops being a meal and becomes an experience.

Yeah, this was a long one, but oh so worth it. If you have ever thought about getting a grinder, look into it again. I know some of them can get pricey, so work within your budget. But, if you do choose to get one, I can assure you that you are going to enjoy it.

I'm out.

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