"YOU SUCK! AND SO DOES YOUR F***ING RESTAURANT!!!"

Hey folks! Welcome back to the blog that your parents told you not to read! If you have read the title and are looking at a certain chef holding a sledge hammer, then you have an idea where this post is headed. That's right! It's time for a rant on one of the most unsavory kinds of show on television out there: The Failing Restaurant Show.

WARNING: LOTS of foul language and crude humor in this post. Leave now if you are unable to remove the stick from your ass.

I'm not sure where all these shows started from, but to my knowledge, Gordon Ramsay was the first to do this with his show Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. NOT the American version, but the BBC version. Back then, the show was pretty straight forward. Explain to them why their business was failing, show them the changes that need to be made and help them make those changes. Now, the whole process has turned into a freak show. The focus is now brow beating the owners until tears. What the fuck is that all about?!?!

If you have never watched one of these shows, let me give you an example of how it all breaks down:

The host walks up to the business: "This place looks like shit! Hopefully the food doesn't taste that way."

The host sits, reads the menu and samples a few dishes: "This menu is fucking disastrous! (spits food out) YUCK! This food tastes like monkey shit and elephant jizz!"

The host yells at owner and chef: "You(chef) cook worse than a fucking handicapped zombie! And you(owner) shouldn't be allowed to run a fucking lemonade stand! But, I would still like to see how you run a dinner service."

The host watches in horror at a bad service and yells at them at the end of service: "Fuck you both you incompetent twerps! You should be castrated for running such an awful restaurant! Wait! Why are you running away?!?! Stay and listen to me call you more names!"

The host goes in the kitchen and discovers rats or insects: "Dirty mother fuckers, too!"

End of Day 1

Next day, the host talks to owners again: "Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. I'm here to help you. Let me talk to your staff and see what they think."

The staff says: "Fuck those fucking fucks!" and "They'll fire me if I talk back to them" and "I've told them the food sucks, but they wouldn't listen. Cock-smokers!"

The owners hear this and cry. They promise changes will be made.

The host changes the menu from 100 items to 10 items. This time, the food is good. :"I've burned and pissed on the old menu. This one is fresh and not from the 1980's."

The staff and owners are overjoyed with the new food. Plus, they have magically redone the front of the restaurant overnight.

Now, they re-open the restaurant. They have a bump or two in service, but overall things are peachy now. The owners offer the host their daughters virginity to say thank you for helping them. All is right with the world.

End of show.

Every single one of these fucking shows is like this! At first, it was just Ramsay. Now there must be at least 6 or 7 shows out there running this same bull shit. Give me a fucking break!

The whole idea of these shows is to offer struggling restaurants a second chance. I can dig that. What I can't dig is how they go about it. Must you insult someone, loudly I might add, in front of their family and customers? Fuck that! Let some British bastard come into my restaurant talking that shit. I'd beat the fucking shit out of him! In the case of a woman host, I'd have my girlfriend do it.

If these people are calling these shows for help, must they go through the whole "break-them-down-and-build-them-up" process? Why not just get right down to the changing process?

I think one of the reasons I hate shows like these is that I know I wouldn't put up with that. You act aggressively with me, I'm going to give you the same treatment.

It also seems like this brand of shit has now moved in to bar rescues and bakery salvaging. This old cunt by the name of Kerry Vincent is getting her own show saving bakeries. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This dried up, old jizz trap is part of the reason I stopped watching Food Network Challenges! Nothing was ever good enough for this fucking bitch! I hope one of these bakery owners takes a fucking rolling pin across her fucking head!

The Catch U Next Tuesday, Kerry Vincent, is in the center.

All I know is that we need to stop making these shows. There are too many out there as it is. What will be next? .......I got it! SEX SHOP REDEMPTION! It will be hosted by a male porn star who had to retire early because of AIDS. It might go something like this....

The host enters the store: "The floor is sticky. At least I know people have been here."

The host yells at owner: "You can't have the donkey porn next to the pregnant porn! What the fuck is wrong with you???"

The host talks to a few customers: "Don't film me!" and "My wife thinks I'm walking the dog right now. Little does she know I'm getting ready to shoot a load in that glory hole in the back!"

The host comes up with an idea to revive business: "We should film a gangbang here! Let me make some calls and we can do this by noon tomorrow!"

 The next day, the gangbang is shot in front of a crowd of horny and paroled men. Again, the owner offers up the virginity of his children to say thanks for bringing business back to his shop. The owners 2 boys are not pleased.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should be happy these places are given a second chance. Maybe....aw fuck it. I can't stand this shit. Ramsay, Irvine, Ching he, and anyone else out there putting people through all that shit for ratings, GO FUCK YOURSELF! Seriously, I hope you get fist fucked by someone wearing brass knuckles.

Wow, I feel like I just exercised some serious demons with that. Like I said, maybe I'm wrong. If you think I am, let me know.

I'm out!

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